Mike Hudack

Hi. I'm Mike Hudack and this is my Tumblr. I'm a high school dropout, the CEO of blip.tv and a former warblogger. Also check out the blip.tv blog.

Employee Manual Addendum Addendum

The blip.tv HR department distributed an addendum to our employee manual yesterday. It focused on the appropriate use of computing resources, harassment and the like. Our resident comedian Angus McIntyre responded with his Employee Manual Addendum Addendum, which you will find below:

Effective forthwith, the following additional clauses have been added to the Employee Manual Addendum.

CONDUCT

No blip.tv employee is permitted to yodel, bodysurf, or cultivate crops during office hours. Exceptions are made for office plants, which are not considered crops.

blip.tv employees may not declare war on any friendly power or ally of the United States in the name of blip.tv. Use of nuclear weapons and other weapons prohibited by international law, including but not limited to nerve gas, white phosphorus, expanding bullets, napalm and anti-personnel mines is also forbidden.

blip.tv believes in freedom of religion. Nevertheless, religious observances that involve human sacrifice, including but not limited to the worship of the deities Baal, Moloch, Huitzilopochtli, Tezcatlipoca or any non-attested quasi-mythological entity such as Cthulhu or Nyarlathotep are incompatible with your professional duties as an employee of blip.tv and may not be performed during office hours. Under no circumstances are you permitted to sacrifice blip.tv employees, customers or partners, their immediate family members or domestic pets.

blip.tv computing resources exist to provide a service to our customers and to further the business interests of blip.tv. You may not use them to attempt to bring about the Singularity, or to engineer or design any artificial intelligence, transcendent meta-being or weakly-godlike entity.

The consumption of any illegal drugs or stimulants, including but not limited to heroin, crack cocaine, methamphetamine, ‘magic’ mushrooms, khat, bhang, betel nut, coca in leaf or tisane form, adrenochrome, Oxycontin, peyote, or yoppo, during office hours is strictly prohibited.

blip.tv employees may not traffic in human beings. You may not sell your colleagues, blip.tv customers or partners or any of their employees or dependents into debt bondage, slavery or indentured servitude. You may not personally keep or own slaves, notwithstanding any precedents in this matter that may have been set by the founding fathers of this country.

blip.tv employees may not engage in antisocial behavior liable to cause societal upheaval or economic loss, including but not limited to fomenting insurrection or civil disorder, planning or promoting coups against legitimately elected governments foreign or domestic, and selling complex derivatives or credit default swaps. Association with any one of a number of classes of anti-social organization whose activities are recognized as harmful to society as a whole, including but not limited to terrorist groups, organized crime ‘families’, neo-Nazi groups, religious cults or Wall Street investment banks also constitutes grounds for termination.

blip.tv premises may not be used to plan bank robberies, casino heists, jailbreaks or any other joint or individual activity prohibited by law.

Employees may not use equipment or other resources belonging to blip.tv to attempt to contact extraterrestrials, demons, or the unquiet spirits of the dead.

DRESS

Appropriate clothing is to be worn at all times. Swimwear, body armor, fetish or ‘bondage’ clothing, or any clothing that reveals excessive amounts of skin and/or body hair is not permitted, even on days when no customers or partners are expected to visit the office.

‘Erotic’ or ‘titillating’ undergarments may be worn at the employee’s discretion, provided that they are not visible under outer clothing and the employee does not call attention to them in any way.

You may not dress as a ‘furry’, or as any comic-book or anime character, except on Halloween.

PETS

The office is not a suitable place for animals. Under exceptional circumstances, pets may be allowed to enter the office briefly, provided that they are kept on a leash or confined in a suitable container such as a pet carrier. This exception applies only to commonly-kept domestic animals such as dogs, cats, hamsters or rabbits. Animals whose size, behavior or offensive odor means that they are likely to endanger or inconvenience your colleagues, including but not limited to killer whales, rhinoceroses (white or black), polar bears, giant squid, venomous snakes and other poisonous reptiles, howler monkeys, skunks or mustelids, and Mongolian Death Worms, may not be introduced to the office at any time.

CONFIDENTIALITY

blip.tv expects that you will keep any information entrusted to you strictly confidential. This includes not only details of proprietary technology, computer source code, business plans, financial projections, and details of partnerships planned or actual, but also the content of our FreshDirect orders, lunch preferences, and Playstation high scores.

If captured, you will reveal only your name, rank and serial number.

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